[ Somewhere dark. He'd become someone else. From the ashes like the phoenix, found rebirth. He was getting better, or so he thought. And Louis...? He'd spent so much time gnawing on the morsels of their last memories. Of Armand's voice in his head. ]
I...[ This isn't a good idea, but he has only ever wanted to be honest with Louis. It's what he's owed, even if half the time he never wants to believe such truths. ] hadn't seen you in seventy-five years, Louis.
[ If he wants the whole truth, that would break him. Break them both. Omission isn't a lie, he wants to protect him too. ]
For a while then, after you, I wanted to die. I wanted the earth to take me into a final grave and let my body slip into slumbering marble as the ancient ones.
[ back in the day Lestat would show him a glimpse of genuine vulnerability to keep him close and wishing for more – or at least that's how he thought of it in retrospect. this isn't that. Louis asked for this piece of honesty.
the pain travels through the connection and multiplies when it meets his sympathy and guilt. he had no idea. for a moment he remains silent. ]
Lestat. [ what can he even say? he wants to hold him. ] If I had known...
I was rather pitiful, [ he snorts, because only he can make fun of himself. ] you would have been so annoyed with the state of me. Rotting away in New Orleans, feeding off of the rats and anything else attracted to the rot. I don't think I left my bedroom in years. Time slipped through my fingers, yet I was unable to quiet my mind.
[ He was getting better. He'd started to believe he'd found purpose again. A life without needing Louis, without needing anyone to love him. He had detoxified his body over decades and was finally...finally seeing through to the other side. ]
I no longer knew if you were alive. [ Until the book. Until someone read his name back at him and he'd realized all that'd come to pass...] Or if you did, it was with no regret or remorse or desire to ever know me again.
[ seventy-five years... what was he doing? was he in Europe the whole time? with Claudia? ... with Armand? his heart twists unpleasantly. even though a small part of him resists, reminds him of the atrocities that took place between them, he feels personally responsible for the terrible suffering Lestat has gone through. ]
That's not true. [ he starts softly. ache suffocates his voice, makes it sound thin and weak. he desperately wishes he had the actual facts to correct him with. dates and memories. ] You were on my mind the whole time. The whole time. I carried you with me wherever I went.
[ it's true, he might not know where he was or what he was doing for all those years, but he can claim that much for certainty. there was not a day when he wasn't thinking of him. such a reality is impossible. even now the thread between is stretched tight. it tugs and pulls. ]
[ Louis wouldn't. All would come to pass in Paris and he would have put Lestat in his grave if the pointlessness of this feat hadn't interrupted him. He didn't know Armand, what he would do, what he was capable of.
Did Louis carry his wounded heart with that miscreant? He doubts it, he doubts Louis would hold him in his heart if he learned of it all now. If he would believe Lestat if he explained all the machinations that beat at the heart of Théâtre des Vampires ]
We have had our fights, certainly. Our ugliness that has torn one another raw, flesh to bone.
[ He has done horrible things to Louis. To know he feared that from him, from the man who loved him more than the world itself. He... ]
I could never commit such an act, Louis, please know that. [ A small tinge of desperation ramps up in his voice. ] You are a part of me, always. A bond as maker and progeny. The last thing I want in this world or next is to kill you, bring harm to you. No matter what you've done. Do you understand that?
[ his jaw sets as he fights back the tears. the terror was done by the both of them and he was as guilty as Lestat was. no, even more. he can remember how slippery the bloody blade felt in his hands. how tightly he gripped it to stop his hands from shaking. ]
I was on the run. A fugitive of my own making. Shadows were closing in on me. I wasn't thinking straight.
[ the phantom was determined to drive him out of his mind and in his longing he welcomed the threatening whispers because it was better than none. still, he finds it difficult to agree immediately. the fear is so fresh on his mind. he knows the silence is hurtful and he hates himself for it, but he can't say it. ]
We walked through ash and smoke to France. Claudia wouldn't speak to me. [ excuses. excuses. ]
[ he would notice someone was bothering Lestat if he wasn't so wrapped up in his own emotional baggage. ]
You know how she is. [ he defends her even though she doesn't need his half-cooked attempts. maybe there was no regret, but she's still Lestat's daughter no matter what. ]
It became worse when I read your letter. Your voice in my head-- I couldn't get it out.
[ It counts for nothing that he still wants to, in spite of all. That he would have rather died in no other circumstances than in his arms. Those sort of thoughts, too dark to surface, remain a murmuring venom. Poison in the chambers of the heart. ]
We can waste our breath on this for days, mon cher. For all the betrayals we have done to one other.[ Easier said than done. Wait until the next grievance to fall in front of their path before what trust that remains gets tested. ] I trust you more than any other soul in this castle.
[ of course he does. he knows it now that Lestat says it, and deep down, just like he knows his trust will always belong with Lestat. it may be tainted and broken, but it never went away completely. that makes everything worse somehow. ]
I can't... [ this conversation has been too much. Louis reaches out to him, his sadness overwhelming and bleeding into Lestat's own over the connection. his words aren't enough, but maybe this is. ]
[ Is it foolish to trust the man that tried to kill him? Possibly, but Lestat's always been a fool of the heart and Louis is still the one person he knows more intimately than any other. He doesn't need to feel the washing of his ex lover's grief to know its there, even if it still somewhat surprises him to learn how deeply Louis grieved for him. His heart pangs for it. ]
I made you. [ The words choked in his throat indicate he is very likely succumbing to Louis wash of grief as it's muddled with his own. Big fat blood tears being shed over here. He cursed him to this miserable existence beyond life. ] You're a part of me no matter how far we stray from one another.
[ He spent all that time unable to feel him, thinking he was gone. Even if it's all a lie he chooses to tell himself how deep it is, it still feels true. He's still the one. The one who Lestat had spent most of his years with. Some of the happiest and most gut wrenching times oscillating back and forth between euphoria and grief. That doesn't just go away. ]
[ unworthy of his trust, yet having it anyway. it's like coming home and locking the door after himself whenever Lestat reminds him of closely their fates are tied together. he's lost the key and that should concern him, but he has no need for it anymore. maybe he threw it away. this is where he belongs. no matter how dark and suffocating it is to live in a house without windows. a coffin.
Louis nods even though Lestat can only feel the intent. he can hardly speak, crushed under the echo of Lestat's longing. ]
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Isn't it? How can you say that? There are secrets to uncover and they're all connected.
What's your plan, hoping that we all suddenly wake up in our own beds?
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[ Don't point a finger at him! ]
Fine, you're right. You're always right.
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Tell me. Aren't you even a little bit curious? There are monsters other than us. Magic. Hell, we're living in a haunted castle.
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Perhaps some of us need some more time adjusting to the circumstances of our imprisonment!
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Where were you? Before you came here.
[ a light, offhanded seeming question, but they both know it's more than that. ]
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[ Somewhere dark. He'd become someone else. From the ashes like the phoenix, found rebirth. He was getting better, or so he thought. And Louis...? He'd spent so much time gnawing on the morsels of their last memories. Of Armand's voice in his head. ]
You didn't want to know before.
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[ since Lestat is so bothered. what's eating him? (is it a bad idea? yes.) ]
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[ If he wants the whole truth, that would break him. Break them both. Omission isn't a lie, he wants to protect him too. ]
For a while then, after you, I wanted to die. I wanted the earth to take me into a final grave and let my body slip into slumbering marble as the ancient ones.
no subject
the pain travels through the connection and multiplies when it meets his sympathy and guilt. he had no idea. for a moment he remains silent. ]
Lestat. [ what can he even say? he wants to hold him. ] If I had known...
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[ He was getting better. He'd started to believe he'd found purpose again. A life without needing Louis, without needing anyone to love him. He had detoxified his body over decades and was finally...finally seeing through to the other side. ]
I no longer knew if you were alive. [ Until the book. Until someone read his name back at him and he'd realized all that'd come to pass...] Or if you did, it was with no regret or remorse or desire to ever know me again.
no subject
That's not true. [ he starts softly. ache suffocates his voice, makes it sound thin and weak. he desperately wishes he had the actual facts to correct him with. dates and memories. ] You were on my mind the whole time. The whole time. I carried you with me wherever I went.
[ it's true, he might not know where he was or what he was doing for all those years, but he can claim that much for certainty. there was not a day when he wasn't thinking of him. such a reality is impossible. even now the thread between is stretched tight. it tugs and pulls. ]
... I thought you were going to kill me.
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Did Louis carry his wounded heart with that miscreant? He doubts it, he doubts Louis would hold him in his heart if he learned of it all now. If he would believe Lestat if he explained all the machinations that beat at the heart of Théâtre des Vampires ]
We have had our fights, certainly. Our ugliness that has torn one another raw, flesh to bone.
[ He has done horrible things to Louis. To know he feared that from him, from the man who loved him more than the world itself. He... ]
I could never commit such an act, Louis, please know that. [ A small tinge of desperation ramps up in his voice. ] You are a part of me, always. A bond as maker and progeny. The last thing I want in this world or next is to kill you, bring harm to you. No matter what you've done. Do you understand that?
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I was on the run. A fugitive of my own making. Shadows were closing in on me. I wasn't thinking straight.
[ the phantom was determined to drive him out of his mind and in his longing he welcomed the threatening whispers because it was better than none. still, he finds it difficult to agree immediately. the fear is so fresh on his mind. he knows the silence is hurtful and he hates himself for it, but he can't say it. ]
We walked through ash and smoke to France. Claudia wouldn't speak to me. [ excuses. excuses. ]
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You regretted it. She didn't. [ It's not a question, he knows. ] Did my phantom truly haunt you?
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You know how she is. [ he defends her even though she doesn't need his half-cooked attempts. maybe there was no regret, but she's still Lestat's daughter no matter what. ]
It became worse when I read your letter. Your voice in my head-- I couldn't get it out.
omg i thought i tagged this
[ He should have known better, he should have considered. ]
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If you never trust me again – I'd understand it.
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We can waste our breath on this for days, mon cher. For all the betrayals we have done to one other.[ Easier said than done. Wait until the next grievance to fall in front of their path before what trust that remains gets tested. ] I trust you more than any other soul in this castle.
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[ of course he does. he knows it now that Lestat says it, and deep down, just like he knows his trust will always belong with Lestat. it may be tainted and broken, but it never went away completely. that makes everything worse somehow. ]
I can't... [ this conversation has been too much. Louis reaches out to him, his sadness overwhelming and bleeding into Lestat's own over the connection. his words aren't enough, but maybe this is. ]
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I made you. [ The words choked in his throat indicate he is very likely succumbing to Louis wash of grief as it's muddled with his own. Big fat blood tears being shed over here. He cursed him to this miserable existence beyond life. ] You're a part of me no matter how far we stray from one another.
[ He spent all that time unable to feel him, thinking he was gone. Even if it's all a lie he chooses to tell himself how deep it is, it still feels true. He's still the one. The one who Lestat had spent most of his years with. Some of the happiest and most gut wrenching times oscillating back and forth between euphoria and grief. That doesn't just go away. ]
Come to me.
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Louis nods even though Lestat can only feel the intent. he can hardly speak, crushed under the echo of Lestat's longing. ]
I'm coming. [ he'll find him. ]